The Diary of Dylan Stripe
by dajm
Summary: Dylan Stripe struggles with having the girl he wants. Along with his slightly alcoholic friends Nicky and Tom, Dylan stumbles through Uni in search of.. anything, really, but hopefully a nice, nonpsychotic girl or two would pop up.


10th of December,

Days left before the exams: 10. Pages to read before the exams: 1341. Pages read so far: 18. Music: Kaiser Chiefs – Oh My God.

09.50 a.m.:

Last night was really horrible. Considering today's Tuesday, it was perhaps not the wisest move to actually drink myself senseless on a Monday. I just came home, see, after waking up in a very familiar apartment, Tom's apartment, and managed to find my way back here.

The horrible part about yesterday was that I once again ended up among the students of Art, History of Art and what not. They actually wear t-shirts saying shit like "My secret love is Picasso" as if the bloke would care if he was still alive. And they always wear loads of bling- bling to show off all the shit they make themselves. The only reason why I usually end up with them is because it is a very attractive girl among them. However, this insane boy who paints his own face and speaks with a just too broad Scottish accent has taken her.

Tom and Nicky was so wasted and fell asleep at the bar desk, and if it has not been because Tom uses so much money there, he would have been thrown out. The insane Scottish bloke, by the way, is like attached to the attractive girl and it is strictly im-fucking-possible to talk to her without having the insane Scotsman yelling "What's ya doin' what's ya doin'!"

Hang on, somebody is knocking on my door.

10.34 a.m.:

It was Nicky. He looked absolutely horrendous. He still wore the same clothes as yesterday, but so do I so I can't really see the problem, but he had the hugest black mark in his face and he blamed me – naturally. To be honest, I have no idea how Nicky managed to get that blue mark. Nicky's not the fighter among us, none of us are actually, but he is usually the diplomatic bloke who manages to get us out of trouble. Good man.

I convinced him that he should be going home and get some sleep and that the blue mark would disappear if he just had some sleep. He did not believe me, of course, and he said:

"Jeez, Dylan, you look like shit."

I just got to take a quick shower and get my arse around studying.

2.45 p.m.:

The very good part about actually living at campus is the very short distance to the nearest hall where I can study. After a very refreshing shower, I walked off to the nearest hall that is usually empty. Except that this time it wasn't. Since the University decided to have the exams before Christmas, people tend to panic and start reading ages before the exams. Luckily, I'm not one of those.

Surprised about the fact that the hung over was actually not that bad, I went on to the next hall whereas I could see Julia waving at me. She removed her bag so I could sit next to her and she kissed my chin briefly.

Julia is the perfect woman. Naturally, she is nearly married and I wouldn't be surprised if she suddenly popped up with a baby or two.

"Did you come home late last night?" she whispered, and I shrugged.

"Late? I don't know," I replied, "I woke up at Tom's place."

"Tom's place?" Julia giggled and I frowned. "Don't you know that loads of people have sent in complaints? You and Tom and Nicky woke up the entire campus around 7 a.m. this morning!"

"Well," I said and fished up a few books from my bag, "isn't that the time you lot get up anyway? I can't see the problem."

"You lot?" she said in a low voice. "What lot?"

"You hard-studying, bright and top-grade students," I replied smoothly.

"Either way," she whispered with a pleased smile, "You can't make such a fuss when you come home. And," she glanced around us with a suspicious eye. "I didn't think you were… into _her_."

"Into who?" I said quickly.

"Jenny Macintosh," she whispered with a smirk on her face. That was simply outrageous. Jenny Macintosh! I think not.

"What are you saying," I hissed, "I am _not_ into Jenny Macintosh! Who said that?"

"The boyfriend of that girl I know you are a bit keen on. That…."

"There is _another_ girl I am keen on?" I nearly snarled. I don't know why I all of a sudden got so aggressive.

"That Scottish bloke, you know, he has told everybody that you were hanging out a lot with her yesterday. At the pub, you know, while Nicky got hit by this Irish maniac." That explained Nicky's eye, but the Scottish bloke should have his mouth cleaned. With acid.

"Fuck him," I replied. "I can't stand it when shitholes like him spreads untrue rumours about me."

"Then stop drinking," Julia said and returned to her studies with a smile.

Stop drinking? Ah. No.

11.20 p.m.:

Tom's got a girlfriend. I can't stand her. She is always touching me gives me these glances that screams like "take me!" and I find it quite disturbing considering she's dating my best friend besides Nicky.

Because Tom's got a girlfriend and I and Nicky don't, we decided to drink some beer and watch old episodes of C.S.I. while we were thinking of all the pages we still had to read.

"I've seen that episode twenty times," Nicky said at once I turned the first dvd on.

"Of course you have," I replied, "we have seen all these episodes at least twenty times."

"Yeah, but that episode sucks."

"Does not!" I replied. "It reminds me of a Hitchcock movie."

"Everything reminds you of a Hitchcock movie."

"What have you been smoking?" I asked and Nicky grinned while he opened a beer.

"Nothing. So… Jenny Macintosh?"

"No!" I roared and threw the remote control at him. "For fuck's sake!" Nicky was the fifth person that had spoken about Jenny Macintosh with a silly grin on their faces.

"What's wrong with Jenny Macintosh?" Nicky asked innocently and threw the remote control back at me. "She's not bad."

"Of course she isn't," I replied and fetched a beer. "But I'm not into her, I say."

"God, Dylan, what are we doing here? We should be out drinking!"

"We _are_ drinking, Nicky."

"I haven't snogged a girl in weeks, Dylan."

"Then go fetch a girl," I replied, and glanced at him before I returned to the TV- screen.

"You just don't wanna go because you know that your Art- student is not going out tonight."

"Let's fucking go then," I said and turned off the television. So we're going. Out. Again.

Wednesday, 11th of December:

02.30 a.m.:

Holy fuck. I'm not precisely sure how it happened, but I am quite positive I shagged Christine Matters in the ladies' room. Oh fuck. And before that I met Jenny Macintosh who was glaring at me as if I wore a note saying, "I hate you, Jenny Macintosh". Fuck me, I shagged Christine Matters. In the toilets. Well, not _in_ the toilets, naturally. The reason why I am a bit stressed out is because Christine Matters is Julia's best friend and I and Julia used to, well, shag a lot before Julia got engaged with this bloke from Newcastle.

Julia is going to kill me. She is. Really.

Good news is that Nicky got a snog. She thought he looked so tough with a blue eye.

06.21 a.m.:

Phone from Christine Matters. She told me not to tell Julia. I got a bit confused and asked her what it was we were not to tell Julia since my head is not co-operating with me this early in the morning. She told me that I could not tell Julia that I had shagged her, Christine, up against the wall in the ladies' bathroom at Tuck's Pub last night. Since she was in such a honest mood I asked her how the fuck that happened.

"What do you mean how the fuck that happened?"

"I barely know how you look like," I replied, feeling that was a great thing to say.

"Why, thank you."

"No, no, I mean, I only know you a bit through Julia. I don't know you. I can't remember how we met, just that – well – we shagged."

"Oh, so you do remember that part."

"Sure I do."

"Right," she sighed. "I sat in the sofa with a few blokes from English Literature. And you and that Nicky- creature arrived and you ended up next to me."

"Oh, you wore something red, right?"

"Blue."

"Ah."

"My hair's red, though."

"Ah, that's the red."

"I think I might have given you the impression that I was keen on you."

"Why's that?"

"Well, I asked you out for a smoke." I tried to remember that I went outside to smoke, but no image arrived. She continued. "We never went outside. At once we got out of sight from the others I stopped and offered you a smoke inside instead."

"Oh, yeah, I remember this part."

"And I sort of challenged you. To catch the smoke that went out my mouth." Blank. Absolutely blank. "So naturally you ended up giving me a kiss, right," she said and sounded like she was tired talking to a three year old. "And damn, you are a good kisser."

"What – oh – thank you.." What kind of reply was that!

"And then we had sex in the bathroom."

"Which we are not to tell Julia."

"Exactly," she said and sounded amused. "Good-night, Dylan."

"Cheers."

"No, good-night."

"Good-night, then."

02.04 p.m.:

Shags during night: 1, shags I can speak of during night: 0, pages left to read for exams: 1231, surprising kisses: 1, friends with girlfriends: 2.

Well. Nicky got kind of a girlfriend as well. Julia behaved as if she knew zero, which is good I presume. Tom is not leaving his room and I suppose he's shagging. Nicky's looking brutal with his blue eye, and his girlfriend is perhaps two feet tall.

I was walking from my reading hall when I met Christine who was looking very busy with her cell-phone. She looked up, however, as I passed her, and she gave me a small smile. Impossible to know what that meant.

"Wait," she said as I was halfway into the dorm- part of the campus. She walked very quickly towards me and looked around as if she thought a murderer would jump forward and kill her if she did not pay attention.

"What," I asked dimly, mostly just to have something to say. She glanced at me before she looked down on her cell-phone again.

"I… I didn't know you had something going on with that Macintosh- girl."

Oh heaven above, Jesus, Christ, God, all those people – for fuck's sake!

"I don't," I said wearily. "And judging by the looks she have been given me she is considering to have me murdered."

"Really? I have heard…"

"Yeah, it's this fuckward from Scotland who's speaking shit," I replied, glaring at her as if she was him. She looked back at me with an odd expression. "Sorry, it's not your fault. See, I have been annoying him because I have been flirting with his girlfriend and he got a bit paranoid."

"I would have been too if you had been after my girlfriend."

Uh… what?

She smiled at me coyly and tossed her hair. It was not until now I realised how different she looked when she did not wear the party-make up or the short skirts, and sexy tops. Her hair was actually red. I had known Julia for five years, Christine for three years and not until now had I realised that her hair was actually red.

"Have you hair always been red?" I mumbled, mostly to myself.

"No," she replied. "And you tend to look at my breasts, not at my hair."

"What – now you are being unfair," I said, "you're the one wearing tops that show off everything."

"Sorry about that. Next time I can wear a college jumper and we can have deep discussions… What do you study again?"

"English Civilization," I replied automatically.

"Oh, so we can have discussions about Blair and Bush and…"

"Yeah, absolutely."

"Look, I got to dash," she said as she glanced down at her cell-phone again. She looked at me and hesitated before she smiled again. Then she took a step closer to me and laid her hand briefly on my shoulder before she kissed me. I had actually foreseen this, for some odd reason I have this talent, so I managed to capture her before she could dash off. When she realised that, she took my head in both of her hands and replied my kiss. I pushed her slightly backwards so her back was against the wall and deepened the kiss and could not help but smile pleased when I heard a small moan escape her lips. She pulled my head even closer, and this chill went down my spine when I realised she had a piercing in her tongue. She suddenly broke away from me and blinked a few times.

"God, you're good," she mumbled with a smile before she picked up her bag and walked off while combing her hair with her fingers.

But fuck off. Christine Matters? Oh god no. That can't happen. Not only will Julia chop me into tiny little pieces, but I also have a reputation to take care of. I'm an English Civ, I don't shag biochemistries or whatever she is studying. She might bring different sorts of acid and drop it on me while I sleep, use me as some kind of guinea pig or whatever. I think not.

10.21 p.m.:

I have so much work to do. Oh fuck fuck fuck.

Thursday, 12th of December:

Noon: Last night Nicky stopped by and told me that I stressed too much. Nicky, who's studying Political Science is the calmest human being on earth. I asked him if he had seen Tom lately and Nicky said not since we were out on Monday. We had a laugh about Tom laying at the floor in his apartment sick and maybe even dead but we don't care enough about him to actually bother to check on him.

It turned out that Nicky's new girlfriend was not exactly his girlfriend. Nicky is so goddamned complex that he reminds me of a girl. We shared a cigarette out the window and a few girls on the floor over me were flirting with us as a pair of tarts. They too seemed to think that Nicky's black eye was remarkable and they thought he was this hero a.k.a. that bloke in _Gladiator_. Nicky later on told me he was thinking of a new study technique that only required him to read all night before the exams. Nicky has even more than me to read and it is not humanly possible to read nearly 3000 pages in 12 hours. Nicky, of course, thinks it is.

We decided to give Tom a call and Nicky did lots of funky things with my cell-phone so we could call without showing him who it was. After five rings he picked up the phone.

"Did we disturb your shagging?" Nicky asked, and Tom just growled a 'fuck off'. So he was alive, and we hung up. I told Nicky that Christine had kissed me and he was so outraged he needed another cig. He said that Christine probably had this rebel- moment of her life, considering Christine and my history is not exactly a walk in the park. Christine has several times blamed me when Julia has had one of her "oh I must kill myself because I am such a horrible person"- moments. And now I shag her. Just another reason to stay away from her.

"Why did you shag her in the first place," Nicky asked as she came back from the window.

"Dunno," I replied, "she told me she fooled me to believe she was keen on me."

"She told you that?"

"Yeah," I replied casually. "A bit odd, don't you think?"

"Christine Matters is odd, Dylan," Nicky said and went through my dvd- collection. "Tomorrow she might have forgotten all about you. Not to mention that your ex- sweetheart Julia would murder you."

"Yeah," I said, "I am aware of that. And she's not my ex- sweetheart."

"You shagged her, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah, but that was different. And she's getting married too, you know. By the way, what do you think of Tom's new girlfriend?"

"It looks like she wants to blow me," Nicky said while he was frowning. "I think she's a sex beast, considering we haven't seen Tom since, well, Monday. By the way, you want to join me and some Political Science blokes for a beer tomorrow?"

"Nicky," I said, "You do know that my exams is in like eight days?"

"Study with Lizzie then," he said with a shrug.

"As if," I said and shook my head. Lizzie is one of those who take payment for teaching you stuff in five seconds that you would have used four hours to understand by yourself. I did that before my Summer exams and was not to do so again.

"Come on," Nicky moaned. "Tom's a boring creature now, you ought to party enough for the both of you!"

"Why's that?" I asked, "Why can't you party his part?"

"Because I am _the_ Party Animal in this gang from before of. The annoying part is that even how much I party, you are always the bloke who end up shagging some girl up against the wall at bathrooms or on the dancefloor or where not."

"It's all about charm, not party-animalism," I replied with a smirk and Nicky did a snarl. Nicky left too late so I had no chance to study and ended up watching Desperate Housewives instead. I am so lame.

11.02 p.m.:

Shags: 0, Kisses: 0, Days left to exams: 8, Pages to read: Way too many, Money used on Lizzy: £50 (outrageous).

By 4 p.m. I had a tiny breakdown. I had a chat with a few blokes in my class and they all had read like 500 pages more than I had, and I realised that it was a bit unrealistic to read so much in so few days. My desperation and hysteria made me contact Lizzy who sat there like a queen on her own table, and gave me a grim smile when I came over as if my presence really disturbed her.

"Dylan Stripe," she said, "Is it anything in particular you want?"

"Yes, Lizzy," I replied, a bit annoyed by the fact that I had no clue what her last name was. "I need your services."

"Last time," she said slowly, "you shagged a girl in my bathroom." I did a grimace.

"Look, you got that all wrong."

"How did I get that all wrong?"

"It was just a snog, I never shagged her."

"Oh, is that so."

"I do have some respect for your privacy, Lizzy. I would never shag a girl in your bathroom, you know that." I did the facial expression I happened to know that no girl except Julia could resist. I'm not pulling anyone's leg. I know I am not precisely nasty- looking and that most girls can't resist my eyes..

"Right," Lizzy said with hesitation. "What subject?"

"English Civilization."

"American or British?"

"Both," I replied and she gave me a surprised look. "What?"

"I didn't know your grades were that good."

"There is a lot you don't know about me, Lizzy."

"I rather not think about it. When do you need my assistance?"

"Now. I mean, as soon as possible."

"I got a group soon, in about…" She glanced at her watch. "30 minutes."

"Yeah?"

"When are your exams?"

"In… Eight days."

"Right," she said and wrote down my name. "Not asking for help before it is truly necessary are you?" I spilled my last card.

"Well, yeah, Nicky, you know, Nicky Monaghan, told me that he knew you did such great work even with idiots so I decided to give it another try." Lizzy is hopelessly, constantly and forever deeply in love with Nicky. Nicky, as the devil he is, makes sure to smile at her and say hello just to keep her that way.

"That will be 50 quid," she said without blushing as she usually did when I mentioned Nicky's name.

"Fifty?" I asked. "You have gone up since June."

"Well, yes, idiots like you pay whatever it cost." I gave her £50 and dashed off. I just managed to eat something for dinner before I had to go to Lizzy's 'class'. To no surprise there were two boys and six girls there, and I was a bit taken aback that there were more boys here than myself, and the fact that Lizzy had not managed to fill her group up entirely.

"Ah, Dylan, there you are," Lizzy said and pointed at an available space. I sat down and brought up my books as the others did. I felt like I was back in Secondary School after skipping a class and the teacher had caught me in the act. She had turned her apartment into a classroom with chairs and tables that she had probably borrowed from the University.

I turned to my right and looked at the person I shared table with. She looked back and smiled shyly.

"I'm Dylan," I said. She smiled.

"I know." Silence.

"And you are…?"

"Natalie," she replied. "I study Art." Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Ah."

"Not interested in Art, are you?"

"Me? No."

"Political Science?"

"English Civilization," I replied. "Third year." Why I added that is beyond my knowledge.

"She did not speak too nice about you before you arrived," this Natalie said and nodded towards Lizzie the Bitch. "Said that all girls should be careful around you."

"Did she really," I said, "No worries, I'm not half as bad as she wants me to be. She's just angry with me because I don't match her with my friend."

"She said you shagged a girl in the bathroom in June."

"What – sod her," I said and opened by book on a random page. "I did not shag the girl, I _snogged_ her, but Lizzy just don't know the difference."

"What made you snog a girl in a bathroom while you had a private class?"

"Boredom?" I suggested and picked up my pen and started to underline important things in my book.

"You snog when you're bored?"

"Sure," I replied only partly hearing her. She fell quiet and the 'classroom' did as well except from a few whispers between the students and Lizzy. I never really wonder about anything, and if it is something I hardly think Lizzy knows the answer. I only attend to these classes because there is not anything else to do than read. About 9 p.m. the door was smashed open and Tom and Nicky stormed in with two bottles. One with Rum and one with Whisky.

"Dylan Stripe! You little fucking geek! Get your well-trained arse over here!"

Not only did I wrap my things together faster than humanly possible, but Nicky topped it all by saying

"Oh, hi Lizzy," and she blushed so much I thought her face was on fire. I have a slight feeling I am not welcome in Lizzy's class anymore. Anyway, Tom said he had been terribly ill since our escapade last Monday, and his girlfriend had been very demanding. So he had been shagging then.

"Oh, yeah, Dylan, I just heard a bird whisper that you have been shagging Christine Matters?"

"Birds don't whisper, Tom," Nicky said with a blurred voice and made himself another Cuba Libre. I stared at Tom as if he would forget what he said if I did it long enough. "Birds sing."

"Who said that?" I asked Tom who shrugged and took a big sip of his whisky.

"Like I said, a little bird."

"You have been locked in your room for ages," I said, "it's clear that either you get gossip over phone or your girlfriend has one big mouth."

"Dylan, this is hardly the time to discuss Tom's sexual life," Nicky sniggered.

"Have you shagged her, then?" Tom asked and stared back at me. "Christine Matters is out of limits, and you know it. Not only because Julia would kill you, but she's the daughter of the fucking Minister of the Treasury, Dyl. You don't fuck around with those."

"Yeah," I said, "It's not like it is likely to happen again."

"The little bird said that she was pretty keen on you," Tom continued and leaned forwards and looked very grim. "According to the fresh news, she is interested in something serious with you."

"What!" I exclaimed. "Look, your bird must be high on something, because it was nothing at all that gave away that she would be interested in anything but a shag."

"Right," Tom said and leaned back in his chair again. "So you are not interested in anything else either then?"

"No!"

Tom did not look like he bought it, but Nicky nodded and missed his glass as he poured Rum into it and spoiled my carpet. Tom kept staring at me as if it had not happened and I threw my hands up in the air.

"What do you want from me?"

"You need to start controlling your fucking sexual drifts," he replied. "You can't keep on shagging every girl you find."

"And what, you figured all this out while you were lying in your bed while being given head by your new fantastic girlfriend? For four weeks ago, Tom, you shagged four times as many girls I have in my entire fucking life!"

"I'm just giving you advices, man," Tom said and pushed Nicky away as he tried to refill Tom's glass. An awkward silence filled the room and Nicky reached his hand up in the air.

"What," I mumbled, and he said:

"My so-called girlfriend wants to find somebody to give my right eye a blue eye too." Tom and I stared at him before we broke into laugher.

"Fuck, man, she's sick that girl," Tom grinned. "Fucking scary, man."


End file.
